


Sassy Gay No Jutsu

by crazybeagle



Category: Naruto
Genre: Humor, Implied Relationships, Other, Parody, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-02
Updated: 2012-03-02
Packaged: 2017-11-01 00:44:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/350110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazybeagle/pseuds/crazybeagle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Meet Sasuke Uchiha. He is about to do something he might seriously regret. This fate could've been avoided if he'd had a sassy gay friend. (Spoilers up through 519 of the manga.) <br/>If you haven't ever seen the Sassy Gay Friend, Youtube "Second City Network Sassy Gay Friend." The basic idea is that, if several tragic literary and historical heroines had had their very own Sassy Gay Friend to advise them, their terrible fates could have been avoided. The best ones are Juliet, Ophelia, and Desdemona. <br/>NOTE: Aside from language, this is pretty much entirely G to PG rated. There's a few cracks at a certain popular slash pairing involving a certain titular character (and another less popular fem-slash pairing), but that's it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sassy Gay No Jutsu

_**Our story begins in the Akatsuki lair, with Sasuke lying on an operating table as Tobi prepares to transplant Itachi's eyes….** _

**Tobi:** Are you sure you want to go through with this?

**Sasuke:** Just do it.

**Voice-over:** _Meet Sasuke Uchiha from Masashi Kishimoto's Naruto Shippuden._

**Tobi:** What was _that?_

**Sasuke:** Intruders?

**Voice-over:** _He is about to have his dead brother's eyes transplanted in order to gain the power to kill his closest comrade._

**Tobi:** Impossible! Nobody could've gotten past Zetsu!

**Sasuke:** Well apparently somebody did…

**Voice-over:** _This fate could have been avoided if he had a sassy gay friend._

**Sasuke:** What the—

**Sassy Gay Friend:** [Appearing inches from Tobi] WHAT ARE YOU DOING? What, _what,_ WHAT are you DOING? Teme-step- _away-_ from-the-table! [Waggles a formidable finger at Sasuke]

**Tobi:** [splutters] Wh-what are YOU doing! How did you get past my—

**Sassy Gay Friend:** Was I talking to you? I don't think so. [Clears throat and looks at Sasuke pointedly] Honey, there are better ways to commemorate your dead loved ones. Some silk flowers on his headstone, or if you really wanna be creepy about it, maybe a decorative urn. But putting his _eyes_ in your _face_? Gross!

**Sasuke:** But I need his eyes to become stronger.

**Tobi:** What- Why are you telling _him_ this?

**Sasuke:** I…don't know. I feel this sudden compulsive urge to explain myself to him.

**Sassy Gay Friend:** You wanna get stronger? Then hit the gym, pump some iron, like a normal, non- _crazy-person_! Besides, yanking out the eyes of the rotting dead guy with the terminal disease and sticking them in your own eye sockets? Yeah, like _that's_ really gonna work…

**Sasuke:** [Confidently] It will.

**Sassy Gay Friend:** Says who, this guy? [Gestures at Tobi] This guy wears a pumpkin on his face half the time as a _fashion statement_. You're gonna listen to _him_?

**Tobi** : Hey!

**Sasuke** : Huh…. [Sits up] Maybe you've got a point there. But that still doesn't change the fact that I can't see very well with my own eyes anymore.

**Sassy Gay Friend** : So we get you some nice frames, bada bing, bada boom, problem solved. And come on, you don't really _need_ to kill this Naruto kid, do you?

**Sasuke** : He's my sworn enemy.

**Sassy Gay Friend** : Your sworn enemy, huh? What are you, seventeen? When I was seventeen my sworn enemies were my mom and my fatass gym teacher, and did I kill them? No I did not. So you're gonna build yourself a bridge, and get _over_ it.

**Sasuke** : Don't talk about things you don't understand.

**Sassy Gay Friend** : Oh I understand. I _understand_ that in ninja-world here there's a very fine line between loathing and latent desire. I mean, _please._ Sakura and Ino, for example? It's not _you_ they want. They just don't know it yet.

**Sasuke:** Really?

**Sassy Gay Friend** : Oh, yeah. The sexual tension between those two's so thick you could cut it with a kunai. Anyways, what'd Naruto ever do to you? He's a real nice guy, even if he does need to cut the caffeine. Oh, and realize that orange and black are always a terrible color combination unless you're a rap artist. [Pause] Then again, _you_ used to have a thing for white shorts… Huh. You two really _are_ made for each other.

**Tobi:** Ahem…would you kindly get the hell out before I have my minions kill you? We were in the middle of something.

**Sasuke:** Wait, if you want to get rid of him, why are you even giving him the option? Can't you just kill him yourself?

**Tobi** : I…don't know. I find myself strangely intimidated by him.

**Sassy Gay Friend:** Damn straight you are. [To Sasuke] Now come on, let's get you back to Konoha and the hyperactive blond who's in love with you.

**Sasuke** : But…but I'm not g—

**Sassy Gay Friend:** Of course you're not, sweetie. Now are you coming or what?

**Sasuke** : I…yeah. Yeah, okay. I'm coming.

**Tobi:** Wait… _what_? You're leaving?

**Sasuke:** I guess I am.

**Tobi:** Just like that? But what about your revenge?

**Sasuke:** [Shrugs] Changed my mind.

**Sassy Gay Friend** : Good. Can we go now? Damp, moldy cave-lairs are _hell_ on the sinuses.

**Sasuke:** Yeah, yeah, I'm coming, I'm coming. [Hops off table, follows Sassy Gay Friend]

**Tobi:** You're _kidding_ , right?

**Sassy Gay Friend:** Nope. [Over his shoulder to Tobi] Good luck destroying the known ninja world without him, you stupid bitch! [Shakes head] He's a stupid bitch.

***End***


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